Ya know what? I shut down.

I have been reflecting.
A lot.
I was married for almost 25 years.

I lost myself after the first couple of years.
He grabbed my arm when I argued with him and apparently pushed him too far.

I stopped saying what I felt, what I wanted, what I needed. I just stopped asking for help with anything and just kept quiet when something bothered me for fear or some kind of consequence.
It never came, I made sure of it. He cried after he grabbed me, but it was enough for me to change.

I lost trust. I lost security. I lost stability. I lost my core being. I stopped being myself. I shut down.

It may have stemmed from my upbringing (missionary parents and raised in boarding school), it may have stemmed from some weird thinking that I had to do what I did to survive. I had no family near me. Thats not to say we didn't have a lot of good times. We did, but eventually the bad times just became enough for me to grow a pair and decide I just wasn't going to move again.  Let alone across the country. After years of being promised "this is the last time. We won't move again" I gave up believing I could keep the friends I made for more than 4 years. I just stopped trying. I shut down.

So he left, half way through our son's senior year. That was my last "foot down". I would not tolerate his selfishness and move my son. I become primally maternal when it comes to my son.
Oh, we tried the monthly commute back and forth for a while and did the joint therapy. We really did try! But I just couldn't get passed his transgressions, passive-aggressive behavior and selfishness.  If I had to hear "if you loved me, you would ...." one more time I would have taken that love and shoved it up his arse!

I am not perfect. I am smart enough to know this deeply.  I transgressed myself.

I am rebooting, repairing, regenerating as it were.

When people tell you it takes longer to lose the weight the older you get, it's true. After almost 25 years of carrying the emotional weight of a lesser me, of an almost fake personality, of someone else, it has been a hard graft Finding Hilda (that's for you Logan).  As each pound of familiar fakery slips away I have moments of panic. What if the real me is not lovable? What will happen when I stand back up for myself and say what I feel, what I mean, what I want, what hurts me, what makes me frustrated, mad, sad, excited, happy, sexy, etc? Is there going to be a consequence? Do I feel safe enough with that person or these people to be able to be ME???

So far so good.